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.. you are beautiful, and... well... um..." I'm sorry. I've made you uncomfortable now. I thought you were a more direct type of person though." I usually am. After all that has happened to me lately though, I guess I'm a little gun shy of telling someone I'm very interested in them."She had moved towards me a little, leaning in close, and speaking softer and softer. I leaned forward, more to hear and speak quieter myself, and soon our faces were only inches apart. I was looking into her eyes, and missed what she next said. My mind was on her, and those big beautiful blue eyes, until my lips suddenly brushed hers.She looked at me, not saying a word, as our lips touched, then as I leaned in closer, she put a hand up on my chest."Too fast. I'm sorry. This is happening all too fast. I haven't felt like this for years. I don't think that we should... I mean... you... are like a patient to me. I... its that you..."I leaned back in and kissed her. Our lips crushed tightly together, and. It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting.Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like canceling or bailing out, but did not do so. When we did meet, I was just fine; after all, I had done this before, and enjoyed it, so what’s the big deal?I decided to give it one last try, do everything, satisfy my curiosity, and get it out of my system once and for all. Then the need would be fulfilled, and I could get on with my straight life.Eventually, I met a man on Craigslist. I felt panicky, yet determined to see it through. I knew full well that I didn't.
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